The Idea: We all have an instinct to hide from critique and surround ourselves with supporters. It’s our nature. A recent HBR article titled, Research: We Drop People Who Give Us Critical Feedback by Francesca Gino states that we do just that: we look for emotional support from people who we get along with – and tend to stay away from those who give us negative or challenging feedback. Furthermore, we strengthen relationships with those who only see our positive qualities. What’s the secret to honestly embracing all types of feedback?
When Senior HR Executives were asked about their biggest management challenge, 63% cited an inability or unwillingness to have difficult feedback discussions. (Source: HBJ Jan. 2014) Most leaders struggle offering and receiving negative feedback.
This week I was coaching a client on the nuances of building a high performing, elite sales culture. I invested two days with them, but one question connected deeply with the team: “How do you affect others?” It is the lynch pin which uncovers the level of honesty, commitment, and trust that members of a team have for each other.
We all struggle hearing the truth concerning how we impact others. We fear we are not sizing up, disappointing others, and feeling “less than.” We even cut others out of our life if they give us negative feedback.
In the HBR study they uncovered that employees were more likely to cut someone out of their network if they received negative feedback. In fact,“when a colleague’s review was one-point lower on a seven-point scale than one’s own self-review, the employee was 44% more likely to drop the relationship with that colleague.”
The research also uncovered an interesting coping mechanism used by many people who received negative feedback from teammates with whom they must retain a working relationship: they expanded their network, attracting new colleagues who were not part of the base group. They distanced themselves from the negative feedback by broadening and diversifying their colleagues base.
The research showed we have a tendency to embrace the positive aspects of our own character while discounting the negative ones. Feedback is difficult for all of us.
Three Ideas to consider:
- I Got It: When someone offers you feedback never say “I got it.” “I got it” is actually code for “I am not open to feedback and am feeling insecure.” Instead, simply pause and say “Thank you. I appreciate you being courageous and honest enough to help me.”
- Fear: Leaders who struggle with receiving feedback allow fear and pride to neutralize them. They blame others, push off, or become defensive. When someone offers you feedback, demonstrate you care by adjusting your own behavior. Also, have the courtesy to follow-up with the person on your progress. You will amaze them.
- Are You Aware? If no one is giving you feedback, you should be nervous because it may be going underground. Invite feedback often and always. Ask others “how am I showing up?” Practice embracing others who offer less than flattering feedback. Be strong enough to realize that only trusting relationships offer feedback.
If you want to grow personally and professionally, then cultivate strong relationships with friends and peers who are courageous, candid, and trustworthy.
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
