The Idea: In this world of tribal, social, and political debate, I feel I have lost some of my ability to patiently disagree with others in a balanced and healthy way. I am not as objective, nuanced, or poised as I once was. We rarely practice disagreement; we default to disengagement from others who hold divergent views. The need for certainty creates fear and suppresses the opinions of others. So, what’s the secret of disagreeing well?
In 2016, Pew research uncovered that “more than half of Democrats (55%) say the Republican Party makes them “afraid,” while 49% of Republicans say the same about the Democratic Party.” We have become insulated and see the world from a binary perspective. If I’m right, you must be wrong. It carries over into our politics, religious views, leadership philosophies, and business acumen. Our culture manufacturers dissent instead of practicing courageous opposition while maintaining our humanity. When only one party is right, we all lose.
I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who shared that they didn’t know anyone who voted for Donald Trump, despite his significant popularity among voters. If we are not already segregated by disagreement and other forces, we respond to moral outrage by pushing others away, distancing ourselves from those with opposing views. We miss so much. What does this say about our culture’s ability to embrace other views?
Writer and radio host Celeste Headlee argues that we have lost the skill to handle difficult “face-to-face” conversations. In her recent TED Talk, she shares how to optimize difficult conversations while embracing moments of disagreement. Two thoughts to consider:
- Listen Deeper
Very few of us listen well all the time. Listening is a foundational relationship-building skill. The higher your status, the more you will struggle. Case in point: on average, physicians wait just 18 seconds before interrupting a patient’s narrative of their symptoms. Anyone with influence is vulnerable to surface-level listening. Celeste reminds us to “Be present. Be in that moment.” We don’t listen as well as we think. Practicing listening until it hurts.
- Leave the Filibuster for Congress
Many of us are guilty of pontification or talking over others. How can you feel respected when someone preaches or talks at you rather than talks with you? When a healthy “give and take” is not present, this is a clue that you are not in relationship. Celeste shares: “If you want to state your opinion, without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.” Brevity is brilliance. Celeste, again: “…people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re struggling to come up with in your mind…what they care about is you.”
I have personally participated in too many long-winded or unnecessarily aggressive conversations. What crucial conversations have you monopolized, dismissed, or forgotten to address? Do you know how to disagree without disengaging?
