We assume that everyone sees life the way we do
– Miguel Angel Ruiz

What if I told you that every member of your team is not just a product of their choices, but a complex collage of hidden stories, long-standing fears, and family experiences?  What if each seemingly simple conversation you’re having with colleagues is a collision of invisible histories, doubts and insecurities, guiding their encounters with you?  These unseen forces are catalysts shaping not just how we engage, but who we truly are beneath the surface.

Let’s talk about this dynamic dance on a deeper level. We think we’re having an intimate chat with a teammate, but we’re engaging with something much bigger. We’re navigating a room filled with influences others have had on our teammates.  It’s like having a heart-to-heart with a friend while their family members are hidden in the corner. In every discussion we are all traversing around personal experiences stashed away in our memories including:

  • Family of origin rules, cultural norms, and life altering encounters.
  • Individual stories, personal biases, fears, and blind spots.
  • Inaccurate assumptions, triggers, and the lies we tell ourselves.

So how do we respect these other influences (and voices) while building healthy relationships?

THE OVERCROWDED ROOM

Picture this: you’re at a family gathering, hoping to have a friendly conversation and catch up with a friend. But all you can hear in the other room is chatter competing for your attention. This occurs in every exchange. When you’re speaking to someone, you’re also encountering all the other people who have impacted their lives. The skill is to figure out who are the other voices in the other room.  And this is a difficult assignment.  For instance:

  1. BIASES: A study published in Psychological Science found that 83% of people are unaware of their own cognitive biases, which means we’re all skewing our understanding of the conversation based on our pre-existing beliefs, assumptions, and stories. There are invisible influences in the room.
  2. FAMILY DYNAMICS: According to The Journal of Family Psychology, family of origin histories, norms, and personal experiences dramatically influence our communication styles. About 70% of people unknowingly project unresolved family conflicts onto their business and personal lives. When someone is speaking to you, they also may be channeling their family drama.
  3. BLIND SPOTS: Research from Harvard Business Review reveals that 76% of people are overconfident in their self-perception and completely unaware of their blind spots. This means they might not even realize how their assumptions are coloring the conversations, relationships, and how they are perceived.

IDEAS THAT MATTER

So, how do we navigate this crowded room of invisible people? Practice staying present and curious, while looking to uncover other person’s “Zone of Comfort.”

Here are three strategies to help relax into the moment:

  1. DEEP LISTENING: Start by really listening, not just nodding while pondering your next response. Focus on what the other person is really saying. Research from Stanford University shows that active, deep listening improves understanding by up to 50%. This helps cut through the noise of judgements and biases. Practice feeling their points, notice their body language, and listen until it hurts.
  2. THE ART OF QUESTIONS: Instead of making quick judgements, ask broader questions to uncover who else is in the room with you.   If someone says, “I don’t agree with you,” simply ask, “Can you tell me more about how you see this differently?” This approach reduces defensiveness and addresses underlying fears. A study in The International Journal of Communication found that clarifying questions reduces misunderstandings by 40%. Practice the art of the question
  3. REFLECT & REFRAME: After every discussion, ask yourself, “What else may be going on and what have I missed?”  Take a moment to reframe your understanding based on a moment of reflection. This approach is supported by research from The Journal of Applied Psychology, which found that this reflective practice reduces interpersonal conflicts by up to 35%.

Next time you’re in a difficult conversation and feel like you’re wrestling with a room full of invisible influences, remember you are actually having a chat with the person’s biases, fears, and personal story. By listening attentively, asking thoughtful questions, and reflecting on what might be influencing their thinking, you can cut through the chatter and get to their deeper feelings.

Never assume the obvious is true. – William Safire