Quit Talking at Me – The Most Effective Critique Strategy!

The Idea:  We live in a world where most people talk past and at each other. There are lots of words, too much debate, and very limited influence. The art of thoughtful  critique is rarely found.  In Philosopher Daniel C. Dennett’s book Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Thinking, he poses the question: “Just how charitable are you supposed to be when criticizing the views of an opponent?”  Or in other words, how do you get someone to quit talking AT you and instead talk TO you?

How do you oppose or criticize someone’s view in a healthy manner?  Dennett developed an amazing communication model worthy of consideration for your personal and professional life.  

    • Step 1:  Express and restate the person’s position so accurately, calmly and clearly that they say “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”
    • Step 2:   Convey points of agreement that you share with the person.

 

  • Step 3:  Share with the person what you “learned” from the discussion. 
  • Step 4:   Only then do you thoughtfully share your rebuttal, opposition, or criticism.  Open your counter by sharing “why” you support a different perspective based on your own personal experiences

 

Dennett reminds us that this approach creates a safe place for two people to discuss deeply their areas of disagreement, elevating the conversation, allowing for discovery and truth.

In a recent HBR article, we are reminded “Distancing tactics, such as trying to see a conflict from a third-person perspective, make you more likely to reinterpret negative events and find closure.” Otherwise, we are more likely to keep reliving similar conflicts over and over again.

HBR has recently put out more amazing work on this topic, offering a simple, powering idea: practicing mindfulness helps to make us “less reactive and more proactive.”  The authors have seen that a “diligent approach to mindfulness can help people create a one-second mental space between an event or stimulus and their response to it.” It is a “one second lead over our mind, emotions and world.”

And one second is all you need to “pause” and concentrate on what another is saying to you.

Mindfulness allows for the needed pause to neutralize the part of the brain that can trigger a fight-or-flight or a knee-jerk reaction to a perceived threat.  It also encourages stronger executive functioning, poise, and peacefulness, allowing for impulse control.

One second is all you need to talk with someone, not at them.